I know what I lack these days and what is casting such a gloomy shade over my blog: I miss my friends. Perhaps everybody has got this kind of desperate need to have a friend beside. And I had them always and everywhere except for here. Here, miraculous change in peoples’ natures astonishes you.
My happiness bubbled over when I stupidly imagined that I could turn them into my friends too, since cannot see any use in hatred. It was too late when I realized they are competing with each other for playing off the rest of the team against me. I wonder if I’m sacrificing my precious years for my childish persistence to keep the ball rolling in our direction with no imagination that one day I might keel over and break my neck.
I’m just sitting there and doing my job, but my body senses enormous pressure of the room bristling with loathe. As soon as I turn my face and look at them to say something I start melting from the heat of their dazzling Julia-Roberts-smiles. Then I childishly feel happy again: cool, all the hatred is out of their hearts now!.. Before I finish my happy thought… boom! Another blow to take that obliges me to give another blow back.
I don’t know why they should see a fearful scarecrow in me. The other day Sajede told me: “They don’t like newcomers to show off”. Perhaps she was trying to give me a hint to curb myself and behave like others and follow their suit. But this one is over my power indeed, since I have never evened myself with others and this is the last place worthwhile to do so.
I know I’m loosing my hair down too much lately, but this is because I want to stamp out all my pathetic feelings here and go back to work with my head held high capable to lavish my smile around to make them bite their nails with greater effort. Before a shiny sincere smile of a friend could do this job. Now I gotta groan to soothe the pain and face them again.
But still, I’m happy to know that this world is a place for some beautiful beings I am craving for.
PS. I promise not to moan again and cheer up this moody blog with more optimism for my friends' sake.